From as early as I can remember there was a person with a critical voice telling me constantly I wasn’t good enough, they bullied me telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I could never do anything right, that I didn’t measure up. I know what you’re thinking, its easy right? Just stand up to the bully and stop listening to that negative cruel person.
However, that negative person was me. And my own critical self-talk which fueled my insecurities and left me an anxious shell of a human being.
For much of my life I was on the search to find the cure for my subsequent crippling anxiety. I desperately wanted freedom from this anxiety which I saw as just something I had, part of me (a large part) unsure it was even possible to gain freedom from it in this lifetime.
I tried it all. I was slightly overweight as a child and thinking if I would feel more confident as a more ‘acceptable’ size, at 11 years old I started the first of a lifetime of diets – this one consisting of literally starving myself for weeks at a time. This led to occasional bingeing which served to ensure I felt even worse about myself.
As I grew older I continued trying to reach my ’ideal’ weight which got lower and lower as I went on, along with trying alcohol to find this illusive inner confidence.
Just for the record insecurity coupled with alcohol makes for total disaster and I found myself humiliated, full of shame and generally feeling worse than ever.
Cut to when I was 36 I had a near death experience in the form of a perforated ulcer (the same age coincidentally my grandfather died after suffering years of ulcers). This is where my duodenum literally ripped open spilling its contents including blood internally along with burning stomach acid within my abdominal cavity. I still remember the starkness and feelings of doom that ripping sensation brought with it and seeing my abdomen grow in size so I resembled an eight month along pregnant lady. And the agony – I will never forget the agony.
I remember ‘walking’ like a zombie down our stairs to my husband. As I walked I knew I was in serious trouble – that the chances were I wouldn’t get out of this alive, call it a sixth sense.
It was then I handed the situation over to God – I literally said I can’t deal with this, I have done it this time, please let me live. And with that I felt myself physically let go – the burden was no longer mine and I felt safe. I was on deaths door and I felt safe.
My husband leapt to my rescue as soon as he saw the shape I was in, calling an ambulance while I lay on the floor coming in and out of consciousness, vaguely hearing the sweet voice of my three year old daughter Charlotte, “Are you okay mummy? Are you sick?”.
I couldn’t answer her – it’s not an exaggeration to say I was hanging on for dear life.
This was the beginning of a spiritual journey along with an exploration of every and any holistic principle out there.
I found a plant-based diet did more than make my body strong, it made me mentally strong especially when coupled with daily exercise.
Meditation was also a life saver, not only by reducing stress but to explore awareness – I recommend everyone to develop a consistent meditation practice. And finally, life changing for me was the philosophy behind ‘A Course In Miracles’.
This in my opinion is one of the most spiritually profound, and user-friendly ways to transform your life to one of stress to that of inner joy and peace.
And after-all isn’t that what we are all ultimately looking for? It brought me peace at last and its commonsense psychological principles can be utilized by the least spiritual person and still gain results.
I remember when the ambulance officers visited me in hospital – something they said they never normally did – but they wanted to see me, as I had defied logic and lived. These days I am not just living but thriving and my days of crippling anxiety are a thing of the past. I now see myself as the whole being I truly am. So, for anyone reading this who suffers with the affliction of severe anxiety, self-doubt, even panic attacks – there is hope, all it takes is the holistic approach and a little guidance. It is now my privilege to share what I have learned. I am now a Certified Holistic Life Coach so that my pain can be someone else’s gain. You don’t need to suffer the way I did, or if you are currently suffering contact me and let put an end to the life you are currently living and discover how wonderful life can be.